out of the comfort zone.

Sometimes I just want to get out of my body and say, get up off your ass and do something! That voice, I tend to ignore alot. But I know if I start to listening to it more I can start making dope moves in my life. (i,e, the movie fresh.) Starbucks, the Bed, My Studio in the Bronx, and my current state are comfort zones that I have to get out of. (Well starbucks pays the bills for now.. therefore Im thankful, but desire a new gig that meets me @ my current paygrade.)
I swear that I got caught up in the struggle of living in NYC. From living in Harlem, being a citizen of NY's Shelter Ststem, from getting my own Apartment on a subsidy, from getting off the subsidy to my current Reality. I got caught up in my own independence trying to stand on my own two feet that I kind turned my back on my dreams. Without no struggle there is no progress, right? Well right now Im ready for the progress.
I want to start trying harder to start the journey of my dreams that I think are fading away, finding the balance of holding my own and dreaming. Recapturing my creativity, and taking care of myself inside and out. Mind, body, and soul.
When I was young I remember I went to camp with my mom and her singing group and one of the musicans got drunk and called me a spoiled brat, I was a pretty sheltered child so hearing that got me furious, I was so angry.. But as I look back at my life I must agree that yes I was a little spoiled. And I currently tend to spoil myself. If I had more dicipline I wonder where I would be? Would I have graduated cumLade at Howard University? Would I have my Brownstone in Harlem??
I don't want to live a spoiled life. & ten years from now I don't want to be asking myself this. I want to say wow, look where my hard work has taken me, I've strived hard for what I got, and I'm proud of myself.
I can actually say those things now. But ten years from now I want to have a carrer, I want to own some property, I want to not worry about finances, I want to be financially savy, I want to keep my dreams alive, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong and stay the humble person I am. Life is a beautiful thing. Why? Because one can change.. I know one day I'll get there, but I must stop dreaming and start taking action to get there. Dicipline makes life easier, it's time to organize my life. like that deadprez song used to say back in the day.

so far gone.

Living out here in the city, alone, no family, some would say is pretty curageous. But lately it's been catching up to me the realities of my situation as time moves forward ahead. Now don't get me wrong I love my family, sometimes think if my bond was closer and if I had a huge family with hella cousins and a plethora of friends that I probally would have never left. It would have been hard to. I see famlys in new york and I want to have that in my life. Watcing childern grow, the love of steady relationships and everyone coming together for celebrations, block parties. Sadly I know the feeling of celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas alone and it can be very heavy on the heart. That's when you need your loved ones around. To talk, console, or gather around the television and laugh or inspire one another. Or am I just dreaming.... If I was back home would my bonds be any closer than they already are? I Dont know. What I do know is that from I miss my family alot. I love them harder and I keep them in my preyers. But I guess I just have to create my own. & like my mom says keep in tuch with the little family I do have.
I'm always in this battle between NYC and my family. I feel like I'm missing out on alot by not being there. Or I'm even missed at all. Like the love is lost and my worth as a sibling is deminishing. I have times when I say to myself, What am I doing out here? But I'll go outside of my block and say that's why. But is the "thats why"really worth it??
This is some of the hardest indecisive decisions thatI go through. Should I stay and try to excell, or should I go back home and try to excell. Either or I'm going to have to excell. No falling back. I have this faith that New York will make me a stronger person, more independent, and I will respect myself more if I can conquer all of my battles out here and still come out a good person. I guess when I get to that point I can create my own.
But then I think about 2012! The Mayan Calender is a calling and during these last days it would be better to be close with famiily, but thats very extreme and unsure. Looking at those two from afar, I would probally just stay put where I am. Family will allways be there, and verizon (for now) keeps me connected. Its up to me to create stronger bonds.
Whatever it is I'm going to get it together. I guess writing this blog my way of getting over it because now, it is what it is, and if I were to move back it... I don't know. This is just something I struggle with out here. The realties of being thousdand miles away from loved ones. But one thing for sure is that I will allways Love them. Unconditionally no matter where I'm at. (Luv Ya Moms, John, Che, Ro, Lua, Dad, Harry, Sali, Kathy, Nisi, Wali, and Puckie Granny allways in my heart)

talented ones vs. the superbums (subway stories.)

I'm not here to rob or steal I'm just here to make some money for myself. Ok. And if you were to rob or steal I would probally knock you upside the head with my palm pre as I'm typing this blog. I don't get it is that supposed to intemidate me to give one money?? Makes no sense. I mean I swear living in new york has killed my humanatareann spirit. Everyday your average new yorker is asked for change probally 6 to 10 times a day, now if iiii were to give my money away to every bum who asked me for a dollar what would that leave me with? Not a damn dollar. Shiiit, ii got my own issues. Can I get a dollar? People playing retards and then sppeakng regular. Brothas saying they blind chingalingin there cups but can see the dollllars someone waves. Women exploiting there childeren or saying they were in a fire, lady playing drums singiing aboout how it aint no joke for real I'm broke REAL BROKKE, lady talkking bbout how she's selliingg candy to take care of her daughter and she's pregnant at 50 years old and everytime ii see her she is deteriorating, crackkhead today was rolling all over the floor winingg like a 3 year old yeelliingg I'm hungry plleeese give mme money and the cops came on and she just started convusing in a brat like ecorsiism speaking in toungs. Oh how the crack is so wack. Occasionally I'll see the man on the skatebord wiith no legs, he might et a dollar or some coins out of me because he was in the movie kids and I'm a sucka for a celebrity. Lol.
I'm just saying if you want some doe, come correct. Don't inturppt the serenity of my ride with a dirty ass cup all in my face, I'll be ound to smack it on the floor makinng me look like an asshole.
I mean do something, sing a song, breakdance, step, spit some poetry or some dope as rhymes, sell me some welches fruit snacks, get meriiachi on a nigga even tho that shit can get annoying at tiimes. Do the chicken noodle soup or the soulja boy, pole dance, bankkhead bounce, sing this womans work by maxwell....But do something. When I first moved to ny I tried the subway poetry thhing out, there's alot of money that can be made tax free. & The subway is a great stage to utiiliize your tallents and make a quck buck if you got the nerve.
I know bumming is nothing new to new york, it's actually a big part of the experince, but too muh of it in one day can be so damn annoying. Crack is wack, and if there wasn't no damn crack I probballlly wouldn't even be writingg this blog. Sad. But so true.

the best I've ever had.

"This year will be the best year ever!!" and perhaps in 2011 I will have had an awesome year. I guess this is part of the flip it process that I'm going through. I'm going to start living my life for me. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself for working at a job that I can't stand and I am going to start making the job work for me, or I'm going to find another job. On to the next one. I'm going to laugh more, love more, live more and be sencire about my passions, my goals, my visions. I'm going to create stronger bonds with friends and family and I'm going to stop being so damn isolated from the world. And stop making living in NYC an excuse for not being connected. I'm going to take care of my self and turn the flaws in my life around and make em flawless. I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour so can start enjoying the sunshine. I'm going take care of my health and my well being. I'm going to fight temptation and prey for salvation. Fight for education weather I'm in school or not. Learn for my self and research and discover things I'm ignorant about. I'm going to ask myself is this helping me with my goals and my dreams when I do things? Being more wiser when I make decisions in my lfe. I'm going to be more frugal with my ends. And im going to start making them meet. And if I fall off track I'm gonna get mysellf up, dust off my shoulders, and get right back on track going in the right direction everytime. Taking action everyday moving torward the right way, God I prey you can grant me the strength to follow my lead and have the best year ever. Taking it one day at a time. Amen.

flip it. fate loves the fearless.

Now there was a quote that I saw on one of my facebook friends pages that stated "whateva stops you from your dreaming. Whateva stops you from living, flip it." I really like that because it is simple and to the point. But the hard aspect is taking that action, making that effort, and putting in that work. (which is the fine tuning that my life needs.)

Me personally have many things that are hendering me from my goals. Dark addictions, indecisivness, and porcrastination are the three things that I need to work on, I dont want to lose sight of my vision, my passions, my loves. It's like those three henderings are in a constant battle with all the good that I want out of life, and the negative always triumphs, and I'm sick and tired of it.

Ernest Hemingway has this quote "I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after" then I ask myself the question, why do I do immoral things that makes me feel bad after and I keep doing them over and over and over again. like I cant control it, It dosent make any sense. I can blame it on temptation, I can blame it on my history, but at the end of the day I can only blame myself, therefore I must stop being a victim.
"fate loves the fearless" was another quote that I saw on a friends page that seemed like she had all of her shit in order (i.e. school, social life, job, travel....) and then it hit me, "Fear". A very ugly and scary word and if you are trapped in it it can make you isolated in unwanted ways. Thats why one must have the courage to conquer that fear and imbrace the OZ factors (Brains, Heart, & Courage) in ones life Those Oz factors will help one(me) conquer my set backs but what I must realize is that it is only up to me to put in the work. The work to flip it.

the first day of spring.

So today marks the first day of spring and I love it. This is the time when New Yorkers come out of hibernation and start coming out of there shells, Spring to me is the real beginning of the year because that's when you can go out and start really living, enjoying long walks, the parks, museums, you can really enjoy this city if you decide to take it in. I try to devour every aspect, but I'm also tryin to stay frugal @ the same time. One issue of living in NYC is that there are stores everywhere you go and if you have no will power you can spend all your money in a one block radius and blow it all away. Frugalness is one thing that am working on this year, I'm just trying to relearn the value of the dollar. I work hard for it therefore I should respect it a little more than I already am, if I do that then I think that life would be alot easier. To have a nice cushion just incase I fall, because if something were to happen now I would fall hard. There are some things I really want to get into tho. Seeing a couple of movies, I want to check out Denzel Washington in Fences on Broadway, and that Tim Burtton exzibit @ the MoMa. But as for now I'll be enjoying my first day on the grind. Off to work.

start.

Shit I don't know who may read this, but after seeing the movie Julie and Julia I decided to start a blog. Now mind you America I am doing all of this from my Palm Pre so if there are any typos please excuse them. OK. So here we are early in the morning lately I haven't been able to get any rest, I've been a vampire that stays up late and sleeps in the day and it's 8:25 so it's actually my bedtime. So I just wanted to say what am I doing this for. Well Growth and Change. I desperatly need change in my life, and a platform for the world to hear it. This is me. The Urbanlife of Dante Giray get to know me.