so far gone.

Living out here in the city, alone, no family, some would say is pretty curageous. But lately it's been catching up to me the realities of my situation as time moves forward ahead. Now don't get me wrong I love my family, sometimes think if my bond was closer and if I had a huge family with hella cousins and a plethora of friends that I probally would have never left. It would have been hard to. I see famlys in new york and I want to have that in my life. Watcing childern grow, the love of steady relationships and everyone coming together for celebrations, block parties. Sadly I know the feeling of celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas alone and it can be very heavy on the heart. That's when you need your loved ones around. To talk, console, or gather around the television and laugh or inspire one another. Or am I just dreaming.... If I was back home would my bonds be any closer than they already are? I Dont know. What I do know is that from I miss my family alot. I love them harder and I keep them in my preyers. But I guess I just have to create my own. & like my mom says keep in tuch with the little family I do have.
I'm always in this battle between NYC and my family. I feel like I'm missing out on alot by not being there. Or I'm even missed at all. Like the love is lost and my worth as a sibling is deminishing. I have times when I say to myself, What am I doing out here? But I'll go outside of my block and say that's why. But is the "thats why"really worth it??
This is some of the hardest indecisive decisions thatI go through. Should I stay and try to excell, or should I go back home and try to excell. Either or I'm going to have to excell. No falling back. I have this faith that New York will make me a stronger person, more independent, and I will respect myself more if I can conquer all of my battles out here and still come out a good person. I guess when I get to that point I can create my own.
But then I think about 2012! The Mayan Calender is a calling and during these last days it would be better to be close with famiily, but thats very extreme and unsure. Looking at those two from afar, I would probally just stay put where I am. Family will allways be there, and verizon (for now) keeps me connected. Its up to me to create stronger bonds.
Whatever it is I'm going to get it together. I guess writing this blog my way of getting over it because now, it is what it is, and if I were to move back it... I don't know. This is just something I struggle with out here. The realties of being thousdand miles away from loved ones. But one thing for sure is that I will allways Love them. Unconditionally no matter where I'm at. (Luv Ya Moms, John, Che, Ro, Lua, Dad, Harry, Sali, Kathy, Nisi, Wali, and Puckie Granny allways in my heart)