the mis-education of dante giray.

A big insecurity that I have is not finishing school. Yes, My name is Dante Giray and I am a College Dropout. When I see friends with degrees. Im like damn that could have been me, I at times wonder where would my life be now if I would have had a degree. it has now been 10 years since I have been back to school, 10 years! I attended Alabama A&M in Huntsville in 2000 and now its 2010. I once told my ma that I had a fear of going back to school due to all the debt it has put me in. Its like I worry about what I owe than worrying about what is going to in my head. I dont want to be like that. I want my mind to be free to accept new knowlidge that will help me succeed. Not that I am almost 40,000$ in debt with no degree! uuggh just uttering those words makes me quiver.
Damn Im going to have to think back and put this on a timeline because I want to see where all my time has gone.

2000-2001/ Graduated High School, Attended Alabama A&M University (Freshman Year)
2001-2002/(9-11, took a course @ Sac City and CSUS, Moved into my first apartment in Sac lasted for 6 months, Worked at the California State Fair saved for NYC
2002-2003/Attended the Kathrine Gibbs School in the Visual Communications Program moved to Cleveland, moved back to Sac.
2003-2004/Attended CRC in Sacramento, worked for CPEC for a month, Moved back to NYC.
2004-2005/Got hired with Starbucks at 195 Broadway (moved into a shelter)
2005-2009/Transfered to Starbucks @ Layfayette & Worth & worked and Pita Pit until I got promoted (Moved into my studio in the Bronx)
2009-2010/Transfered to Starbucks @ 6th & Waverly... and here I am.

Wow. Looking at this, Im realizing how much time I devoted to my job, trying to stay a float, and keep a roof over my head, took about 5 years out of my life doing something that really dosent benifit me. I mean I know I get a paycheck, But if Im working just getting a paycheck, to Pay my Rent, ConEdison, Phone, and Food, then WTF am I really working for?? For 5 years I have been in a zombie like faze. Sorry to put it like that. But I havent been doing really nothing to benifit or uplift my own self. Shit I havent even signed up for a 401K at my job, therefore its not even like I have money to show for my hard work @ Starbucks. I see my fellow partners at work come in and have school first on there agenda, and Im like where did I go wrong? Was moving out here a bad choice? No, I love New York too much to knock it, but will loving this land defer me from being the best person that I can be?? Then that quote comes into my head,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as childern do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
(had to write the whole quote!)

Is my issue fear? Fear of Succeeding or fear of not succeding if I have a degree? Fear of not making enough money to keep the roof over my head while Im in school? Fear of just not making enough money? Fear of starting over agian? Fear of getting traped into a carrer Ill hate? All I know is if I dont make any changes in my life I can be stuck at Starbucks for the rest of my life. I used to always say when I get to my 5th year @ starbucks Ill change jobs. Well I guess I put that in the universe and now that I am aproaching my 6th year Im like where the fuck did the time go, why am I still here?? And the bigger picture is why didnt I put somewhere in that declaration that I was going to develop myself to be the best person that I can be getting my education by any means. Putting myself first. And now I must step back agian and say I am making that declaration now! Stop being a victim of my curcumstance, dont regret my past niether because now I know what it is like to have been stuck, now I must master how to get out and that is the challenge.

I just posted on my Facebook a little April Fools stunt quoting that I quit my job today. Even though it isnt true. Just typing the words felt so damn good. But I know if I did just up and quit that I wouldnt be looking out for my best intrest. I would actually be making it harder for myself, because how would I take care of myself? unless I had something else lined up? Got to be smart about things. I know Ill navigate out of this. Im going to find a way, make a plan, and take action.

I have faith that I can do it. Its just up to me to keep pushing. :)